What I See in Relationships
(And This Might Be Offensive—But That’s Okay)
What I see in my practice: You love each other. You’re doing so much to show your partner how much they mean to you, pouring in effort, gestures, and care. But there’s a problem: your partner doesn’t feel it. They don’t see all the love you give, and sometimes, they aren’t showing you love in a way you understand either. Sound familiar?
How can both of you feel unloved when you’re both trying so hard? It’s because you’re speaking different languages. Maybe it’s one of the famous five love languages or a literal one, but either way—it’s two distinct tongues. And, like any classic American tourist abroad, when the shopkeeper doesn’t understand, we tend to speak louder and gesture wildly, thinking that will help.
Spoiler alert: it doesn’t.
To your partner, what comes across isn’t love—it’s frustration. You sound like a frazzled traveler who’s convinced that yelling will bridge the gap. But instead of feeling closer, your partner experiences confusion, defensiveness, or worse, a sense that you don’t understand them at all. And when couples show up in my office, that’s often what I see: two people deeply in love, frustrated that all their loving efforts seem to be lost in translation.
So, what’s the solution? You learn a new language.
Love Isn’t the Problem—Translation Is
Here’s the thing: couples rarely come to therapy because they don’t love each other. They come because they want to feel the love again. They want their efforts to be seen, heard, and understood by the person they care about most.
That journey boils down to a few core truths—truths that, fair warning, might be a bit blunt:
For Women: Men Are Like Golden Retrievers
Before you get offended, hear me out—this is a compliment. Golden retrievers are loyal, eager, and live for your affection. Your husband or male partner often has the emotional processing skills of your favorite pup. He’s thrilled to be around you, waits for your attention, and thrives on any love you send his way.
When you’re upset, he knows something is wrong. He feels it deeply, and it stresses him out. But here’s the kicker: he has no idea what to do about it. Like a confused golden retriever, he’ll nudge you, cuddle up, or offer awkward solutions, hoping for the magic fix that makes you happy again. He doesn’t know why you’re upset, but he desperately wants things to go back to normal because seeing you unhappy makes him feel like a failure.
The truth is, it’s not that he doesn’t care—it’s that he doesn’t know how to help. And that’s where you come in.
How to Help Him Help You:
Give him a roadmap. Before diving into a big conversation, tell him what you need upfront. Clear expectations reduce his anxiety and help him show up the way you need.
Make it actionable. If flowers brighten your day, tell him. If you love date nights, offer specific ideas. He’s not a mind reader, but if you give him the tools, he’ll be eager to make you happy.
This is where fairy tales mess us up—your partner isn’t a prince who magically knows exactly what to do. Heck, most of us don’t even know how to make ourselves happy half the time! Relationships are about learning. If you love each other, take the time to teach him what works for you, and give him space to get it right. He’ll be beyond grateful.
For Men: You’re Fixing the Wrong Problem
Guys, listen carefully: you’re always trying to fix things—and you’re always fixing the wrong thing.
When your partner vents, you jump straight into problem-solving mode. You want to help her tackle the issue, find a solution, and make everything better so life can go back to being great. But here’s the catch: she doesn’t actually need you to solve her problem. She’s more than capable of handling it on her own. What she needs is something else entirely.
She needs you to help her manage the emotional toll of the problem. Women are often responsible for everyone else’s issues—kids, work, family, friends—and as a result, they put themselves last. When she’s venting to you, she’s not asking for a solution. She’s asking for support, for reassurance that she’s not alone in carrying the load.
How to Support Her:
Listen for emotions. Pay attention to the feelings behind her words. She’s not looking for answers; she’s looking for empathy.
Offer emotional support. Let her know you love her, you believe in her, and she’s not alone. Remind her that she’s strong and capable. Sometimes, just hearing that you’re in her corner makes all the difference.
Your job isn’t to fix her world—it’s to be a steady presence while she navigates it herself. That’s the real problem she wants you to solve: helping her feel supported, not fixing the external issue.
Whether you’re the man, woman, or nonbinary partner in a relationship, following these steps can help you stop sounding like the confused tourist in the store and start feeling more like the loving partner you truly are.
Because, at the end of the day, love isn’t the problem. It’s learning how to show it in a way that makes your partner feel it—and that’s something you can both figure out together.
